Ni-Ni’s, Mi-Mi’s and France
Wednesday, July 27th, 2005
The Pussycat and I have a plethora of interesting and eccentric people in our family. The one that gives us the most non-stop entertainment however, is her little sister, BananaGirl.
BananaGirl and Pussycat, as sisters do, often critique each other’s clothing and the way in which they’re wearing it. Some weeks back when Mao-Tse-Mama was visiting, we were all at BG’s house and she came out wearing something that while cute, on her, just looked a wee bit … hoochie. Nothing bad. It just didn’t look like her. You have to know BananaGirl to know what I mean. She has a particular conservative style and when she wears something different, the effect is a little jarring. Like someone dressing a penquin in a tuxedo. It matches but it’s just doesn’t work.
Well, Bananagirl, being BananaGirl, took it a bit hard and didn’t forget the criticism. Fast forward to this last weekend. BananaGirl and Johnny Longfellow were at our house as J.L. had offered to come over and make his special burgers. (For the record, they were some of the best dang burgers I’ve ever had.) The Pussycat, being pregnant and uncomfortable decided to wear a cute maternity tube top. Very tasteful and very tres chic.
As most anyone whose every been around a pregnant lady knows, when you’re pregnant, your body goes thru certain … changes. Among them is the fact that certain changes occur, particularly your chest (or as my wife and her sister call them in Chinese: Ni-Ni’s and Mi-Mi’s.) Anyway, here was my cute, petite, pregnant wife, being cool and comfortable and thinking nothing of it. Might I add, modest. The next day however, along with the dawn, brought the wrath of BananaGirl.
The first thing in the morning, I get a phonecall at my office from the Pussycat upset because her little sister told her that morning that she looked “skanky” in her shirt. To paraphrase, she told Pussycat that her chest was popping out all over and how horribly offended she was. This of course, crushed Pussycat. She has had such a hard time finding maternity clothes. Before being pregnant she was a 0-2 in clothes. Unlike her sister, she’s very petite. Now that she’s pregnant, she’s grown of course, but she still cannot fit into maternity clothes made for her size. It’s all too big. That top was one of the few really comfortable and cute things she’d found at the materinity stores she could wear. She loves it … and here was BananaGirl raining on her parade. She was heartbroken, to say the least. On top of all that, we both knew her shirt was modest. Was it strapless and sleeveless? Well, duh … that is the definition of a tube-top. ? Skanky though? Heck no.
Now, there is nothing that brings out the protective nature in the Owl like hearing that someone has said anything harsh to the Pussycat. It just brings out the worst in me. So of course, I had to dive in and have words with the BananaGirl. I’ll spare you most of our I.M. conversation, but not because it doesn’t pertain to this. No, I’m sparing you because if you tried to read and understand all that BananaGirl wrote your brain might melt and run out your ears.
To put it all in a nutshell, I basically told her “Your sister is pregnant and therefore, emotional and sensitive. You’re not going to like all her pregnant clothes and yes, her chest has grown and whether you’re reacting out of jealousy or maliciousness or real concern … that’s what happens when your pregnant. Deal with it. So either don’t comment about her clothes or just don’t look at her. She’s got 5 months more to go, so deal with it.”
After that part of the IM it got really good. You see, BananaGirl has an ability unlike anyone else I’ve ever known. If she were a superhero, it would be her special power. In short, BananaGirl is the queen of the silly analogy. Most people when they make analogies, compare apples to apples and oranges to oranges. That way the analogy makes sense. Not BananaGirl. Her gift, gives her the ability to make an analogy that has no basis in any reality except in her own brain. To her, it makes perfect sense. To the other 4.5 billion people in the world, it just makes them go “Huh?”
Below, I’ve given a perfect example by giving you the tag end of our conversation about Pussycat’s clothing/Mi-Mi’s. SAFETY NOTE: Once you’ve read her analogy, try NOT to think about it too much. Doing so will result in permanent brain damage.
BEGIN INSTANT MESSAGE CHAT:
The Owl: anyway, as i said, just dont comment or and it wont be a problem..
The Owl: i dont care what she wears in our house when she’s trying to be comfortable and cool with the baby..
BananaGirl: i have every rght to comment because she comments about what i wear all the time
BananaGirl: I guess since she is pregnant then she can steal, murder and lie too
BananaGirl: oh right
BananaGirl: maybe in France
BananaGirl: but not here
BananaGirl Disconnected *******
END INSTANT MESSAGE CHAT
Pregnant = steal, murder and lie?
France? You mean in France, pregnant women can kill wantonly? Wow, Pussycat, pack the bags, we’re moving to Paris to start a pregnant hitwoman service! We’ll have it all! A little apartment in the 7th Arrondisement, croissants with espresso everyday and oh yes, daily killings for hire! We’ll make a fortune, plus it’ll be a healthy way to get out all your extra pregnancy angst. I just imagine the Pregnant Assassin’s Bureau office phone ringing:
French Secretary: “Oui, Pregnant Assassins Limited, may I help you?”
indistinct murmuring over phone
French Secretary: “Yes, we have someone available. However, she is only 3 months pregnant and her morning sickness is affecting her aim. Do you mind if it’s a messy kill?”
indistinct murmuring over phone
French Secretary: “Well then, if you can wait 3 days more, we have a woman whose baby is due in 2 weeks coming back from assignment. Her hormones and uncomfortableness make her a very dedicated worker.”
indistinct murmuring over phone
French Secretary: “Perfect. Now, as you can imagine, choosing her brings the payment level all the way up to Baby Prada. Yes, gift certificates will be fine. Please make them in denominations over $500.” Non, it is non-negotiable. OshKosh is out of the question. Baby Prada or you will have to search elsewhere. Oui, Oui, she will be ready in three days. Thank you for calling Pregnant Assassins Limited. Have a nice day.”
See what I mean? Now quit thinking about it. You’re brain can’t handle it. Trust me.